been having bad mood since morning, till i received an email from my host just now.
but now, after getting to know that my junior is leaving me and all the sad news from china’s earthquake.
i really want to cry.
if only i can give my life to those that struggled but still lost to death..
n i think im really running out of close friends.
had this interview with NgMY, my own chinese teacher. so…after the interview she told me the purpose of the interview…which is to test students’ understanding of the school’s 6 values. J-TIGER, which stand for Joy, Teamwork, Integrity, Globalperspective, Excellence and Resilience. actually they aren’t really “Values”, but just goals the school have set for the students and their way of teaching. or perhaps i think Integrity is the only one that can be considered as a “value”.
well, the interview started with my favourite value! or rather, the one that i think is most important. n naturally i said Joy, like i always do. my reasoning is that…wateva humans do, we’re actually seeking joy. working hard towards success, helping the less fortunate/needy, killing people ruthlessly…these can all be stuff people do to obtain their own joy. so of course, it is the most important. oh wait, it’s either me or the teacher that mentioned about people who strive to bring happiness and joy to other people. well, my answer to that is that they get their own joy when they bring it to others as well, bcoz they enjoy doing it.
and so i was asked how i define my own joy. actually there isn’t anything thru which i can get any bit of joy nowadays, but i just blurted out “friendship”. actually it’s the first thing that comes to my mind whenever i nid to answer similar questions. but it’s a really complicated issue actually, even though my teacher thought that my understanding of “joy” is shallow bcoz i limit it to friendship. well i din do that, i said people have their different ways. oh well, i din bother to argue with the teacher cos we’re in the school and the interview should not be a totally personal chat, so i should still…not defy her too much.
okay then next thing, she asked me about Integrity. well, integrity is seriously very important. LIKE REAL. lol. integrity is suckiest trait to have ever, bcoz it limits ur development in every way. anybody who reads this and objects…please come tell me why. lol. oh n i discussed with my mom, n she was able to express her thoughts much better than me…”Integrity is an advantage to others, a disadvantage to yourself”. it’s so ironic, that me n my mom know about this but we’re so born with integrity that it’s impossible to shake it off. n i mean it. my father tried to discuss…but he couldn’t make any point out of wat he wanted to say. oh and the teacher was kinda funny…she agreed with the examples i made about my uncle’s and my parent’s friend’s involvement in politics in china. but later she goes on to give me examples of how people with no integrity can never truly accomplish anything and wateva they get are fake and will never be appreciated by anybody. well then i wud say, people who accomplish with lack of integrity fulfill their goals and are happy. people who have infinite integrity but cannot succeed are UNhappy. those who succeed with integrity are only good tools for others, to use as examples to teach the young of the importance of integrity. well, this is how this world works. in fact, i was receiving this teaching when i went thru the interview. i realized that back then and had thus had no intention of fighting back.
but in the first place, that interview was meant for students to talk crap and tell the teachers wat they should be hearing so that they can get their “Excellent” grade, which i think is meaningless. so im kinda extra…in being honest and showing my integrity. which makes it ironic again since i condemn integrity.
summary: the teacher’s behaviour was weird, duno why she wanted to give me more time to earn a better grade. n then her points seem to me kind of contradictory to each other, somehow. her conclusion was that my thoughts and feelings are dark and pressimistic, though i wud prefer the term “realistic” or “materialistic”. overall time spent for interview, 1hr20min as compared to 15min last year.
was suddenly shocked terribly by a friend when i was whether i have a friend whom i can confide everything with. like really everything. i think such a person shud be able to share the same line of thoughts with u for most things. like, perspective of life, death and other similar stuff. well, i seriously don’t have a single friend like that. there were times when i could have someone to tell abt my sufferings, or perhaps but rarely, joy. but they’re so virtual, unreal, cos they’re my online friends, which do not last long, at least for me. my friends around me…are always discussing superficial stuff, every time i mention something that sounds a bit philosophical, they’d shut up and shun me. n then they’d say im emo. but im NOT! emo is like being really depressed, to the extent that u want to hurt urself to let the physical pain overpower the mental pain. but me, i just try to figure out the truths myself, doubting everything, asking questions over and over again, until i reach the roots. i still carry on life as usual cos i realize it’s only logical to do so, it is the fate of a 21th Century teenager to live this kind of life. wat’s the point of doing anything unnecessary, after we just fulfill our purpose of lasting thru our lives, nothing will be left from our existence.
events: today was Combined sports meet. it was boring as usual. i saw some people, whom i dun normally see, as usual. n walked around n tried to escape. dat’s all. the only interesting part was perhaps that some weird nanyang people came to buy hwachong jacket.(FOR WHAT) and they even wore it, despite the blazing heat.
saw someone really unexpectedly while walking downslope in the direction of poolside. looked at each other. n i duno if i was given a smile or a smirk.
later on was LAN and Movie for sheng outing. LAN-not much to say. Movie was The Forbidden Kingdom. i think it wasn’t really nice… especially the spastic accent from Jet Li. Jackie Chan was alright i guess…but it’s really funny how everybody in ancient China speaks english and even 玉黄大帝 could speak english……. i found the “White-Haired Assassin” chio, her body was perfect. =D then..liu2yi4fei1’s role in this movie wasn’t really well explained. oh n on the bus from the LAN center to orchard road, we saw this guy who spoke really loud on his phone. everybody else was quiet or perhaps sleepy. the last sentence before he left the bus was “OH SHIT. I TOOK THE WRONG BUS!” i must commend him for his pronunciation, bcoz he pronounced every syllable perfectly, especially the “SHIT”. i couldn’t believe i heard it at that time, n i was wondering if it’s part of my dream, cos i fell asleep a few times.
on the journey home, suddenly felt sulky. like something felt wrong. something about going out like this is wrong. that it actually does NOT fit my way of life. being in HCICOSheng… SERIOUSLY had a great impact on me.
Hainan camp today, confirmed that we’re coming back on 17th, supposedly late afternoon or evening, so i probably wont be able to make it for the JC Dance Night. n then the teacher was asking for volunteer performers for the Hainan exchange(part of the camp). i so wanted to give it a shot, but was discouraged by the knowledge that im still NOOB.
before that in class…while waiting for the camp briefing to begin, we discussed and tried dancing. heh, though i seemed quite pro to my classmates, i know my standard’s not enuff…dat’s why im seriously considering taking up external dancing lessons. either hiphop or break, cos i can relate well to these 2 types. hiphop is cool while break is shocking(mostly with the power moves). n i wish so much dat i’d get into MAD, lol. im thinking of it as real fun, to dance as a CCA.
oh. and someone just “officially” agreed with my reasonings for why “Life is Meaningless!” well, nobody has been able to prove me wrong so far, neither has anybody opposed that idea.
will anybody like to convince me im wrong? if u succeed, u might even save my life from the endless miseries and aimless wandering. u’d be the savior of my life. lol
see wat’s in the picture.. i couldnt take it from the front because there was a bush there…if not the earthworm could be seen… it was kinda cool.
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I passed my napfa test with a bronze. heh.
final result was…
shuttle run - 10.6s(C?D?)
Sit&Reach - 47cm(A)
Standing Broad Jump - 230+cm(B?C?)
Sit Up - 43(A)
Pull Up - 4(5 one leh! the pe teacher so short cannot see then say not counted. !!!!!)(D)
2.4km - 13.48(E, lalala)
great that i passed within 1 try. then this wk we were allowed to play soccer on the field. heh, though it’s been about 3yrs+ since i kicked a soccer ball, i cud still score 2 goals lol, which were the only ones in the whole game. well, the opponents were kinda violent but noob.
oh and my friend went to ask if he cud do Pull Up again. then the teacher in charge of that station(new female teacher) said that she wud take the lowest score….so that means if u failed the first time n u passed the 2nd time…u still fail. LoL. the 2 new PE teachers are both kinda retarded, english even lousier than the old pe teachers. and they like to be sarcastic and provocative, no matter wat trivial matter upset them.
and then just after searching online for ABRSM practical exam results, last sunday, my teacher knocked and said she got my results. and i got 110/150 which is an average pass 10 points from merit and failure respectively. kinda glad, considering the kind of luck i had on the day, with hiccups here and there for 3pieces and scales, CONTEMPORARY music for sightreading and a chiongster examiner(the whole thing took only 20min).
i wonder who actually still reads this blog… lol
that song by linkin park is really nice. i still hum the melody now and then.
but recent days im really feeling numb. especially on the journey back home, from school. i wud sleep on the bus and wake up about 2 stops before mine. then my body totally acts on its own and walks home. i suddenly realized this one day when i actually suddenly “woke up” at the lift. it felt like i just suddenly snapped out of it. was probably bcoz of the neighbour, cant quite rmbr though. im dreaming more and more in class these days as well. my imagination can just run wild anytime anywhere even if im doing something important. and when i came back to reality it often took me while to realize wat i just missed. i certainly sleep a lot, so all these cant be because im lacking sleep.
nxt, i keep asking questions about myself. am i being too greedy? wanting better parents who wud listen more and a closer family that wud care for each other. my parents dun feel like family to me now, in fact they seem further apart from me than strangers. actually i just hate a certain someone but not both. that’s the cause of all the agony in my life. after all, im hardly depressed by many things.
i have friends with all kinds of family. 1)one with divorced parents, living with her mom, whom she found superb, but hated her father 2)one with many siblings, found love stolen. 3)one with dad dead, but continue living strong.
i think of myself as a combination of the 1st one and the 2nd. and at least every once in a week i wud WISH so much that im like the 3rd. i seriously doubt if my thoughts are correct but evidence just sprout out so often to affirm my stand. i forgot to mention those who always agree with me and say they face the same problems. we wud discuss so enthusiastically, about our wretched parents, but something keeps me thinking that im worse. then again, i doubt myself.
just watched another tv news on the olympics torch relay thing, about chinese protesting and shouting their loyalty and support for china. and then my dad also watched tonnes of anti-CNN videos these 2 days. this brings me back to thinking about what is really true. we, mere civilians, i think, have totally no access to pure truth. anything reported by the government, the media or wateva source are always twisted to a certain extent. just like…who knows if Mas Selamat was actually killed accidentally in prison, but the case was covered up with false news of prisoner escape. what right do people have to voice any opinion on political matters when we don’t even know the truth. that’s why wats the point of being concerned with politics. this is especially the case in china. all forms of media seem so “propaganda-like” to me, in the sense that they are always carry the same formality and use the same manner of speech. and then all those that go against the authorities are censored/eliminated, with all related news hushed up as much as possible. America is democratic? but wat can democracy do when the public cannot even get reliable information, such as those related to the Tibetan crisis. but then again, who knows if the Chinese media/government had been distorting the facts or manipulating the evidence as well? so why bother, afterall, everything will end in a matter of time, be it a few centuries or millenniums.
seriously, if i were the first human that ever existed, and that if i cud retain the knowledge i have now, i wud definitely stop the existence of mankind. 长痛不如短痛. if all ended back then, all the pain and misery that exist today within our societies will be gone, of course, together with the happiness. but in the first place, isn’t the former that created the latter? it is relative, so it’s nothing but emptiness. but then AGAIN, the intelligence that homosapien had then did not allow such way of thinking. so it’s all predestined that it will turn out like this, this is the fate of mankind i guess.
/*end of nonsensical rambling. im thinking too much…
just found anice website to watch most english movies. so i watched 10,000BC and Step Up(2006). tried watching high school musical(again). but the link was faulty. aw.
well, 10,000BC’s climax is really disappointing. it’s all about this person gathering up his “army” and save some girl who represents the god or something. and then the last scene is just copying the 300Spartans. just except if i didn’t remember wrongly, the spear in 300 didn’t hit the target while this one is 10000 did. WOW. i jus noticed both these movies have a big number in their names. well, perhaps we can say that 10,000BC is more impressive with the BIGGER number. whee~ but actually i think the opposite.
now for Step Up. 1 & 2. lez Compare and Contrast. i personally enjoy 2 more. cos it’s got more of bboying. it’s not called “Streets” for nuthin. but im guessing those who prefer a nice plot wud luv 1. that one, they got someone dying, and though it was just a minor part of the show and they didn’t really show how sad the people were due to the death of the person close to them…it was still very touching(for me at least). the funny part, though, is that the male lead can go on a stage and perform their choreo without practicing at all for a few weeks prior to the performance. he just went there last minute and asked his partner if she would let him join in and dance together. how irresponsible, i thought. well, at least it helped to give us a satisfying Happily Ever After kind of feeling. well, i wanna say again, that these 2 movies are SOOO cool.
i jus watched the chinese tv show 华文智多星. there’s RI today, and the sec4 PRCs they sent out totally pwned the rest. haiya. i duno whether it’s right for me to say but i thought those people from other schools kinda suk, considering they were comparably good in their school to represent their school… well, they couldn’t even write their words properly. 字体一个两个像狗爬. that’s wat my mom and her good friends always say about MY handwriting. LoL. i saw this person who wrote the word “击” with the upper 土 and the lower 山 unattached. i literally LOLed at it. oops. i spent such a long paragraph to talk abt this.
i finally start to feel busy now. with tests this thur.fri,sat and nxt thur. well there’re lots more coming, maybe even this week, just that i forgot about it. lol. i dun really rmbr all the test dates.
I almost forgot to report on my NAPFA today! 2.4km run/walk: 13.48min(E). 0.08min away from D grade
alright. it’s not good i know, but at least i passed without having to run 5 times.
for the other 5 items…no sweat. lol. everything else might/sure get A except for Pull Up(Chin Up). that one i can do a maximum of 3 now, without kicking or jumping for the first one. actually it doesnt really much. after all, i just have to pass everything, since i got E for 2.4km. that’s one burden lifted.
IHC time
