Numb

that song by linkin park is really nice. i still hum the melody now and then.

but recent days im really feeling numb. especially on the journey back home, from school. i wud sleep on the bus and wake up about 2 stops before mine. then my body totally acts on its own and walks home. i suddenly realized this one day when i actually suddenly “woke up” at the lift. it felt like i just suddenly snapped out of it. was probably bcoz of the neighbour, cant quite rmbr though. im dreaming more and more in class these days as well. my imagination can just run wild anytime anywhere even if im doing something important. and when i came back to reality it often took me while to realize wat i just missed. i certainly sleep a lot, so all these cant be because im lacking sleep.

nxt, i keep asking questions about myself. am i being too greedy? wanting better parents who wud listen more and a closer family that wud care for each other. my parents dun feel like family to me now, in fact they seem further apart from me than strangers. actually i just hate a certain someone but not both. that’s the cause of all the agony in my life. after all, im hardly depressed by many things.
i have friends with all kinds of family. 1)one with divorced parents, living with her mom, whom she found superb, but hated her father 2)one with many siblings, found love stolen. 3)one with dad dead, but continue living strong.
i think of myself as a combination of the 1st one and the 2nd. and at least every once in a week i wud WISH so much that im like the 3rd. i seriously doubt if my thoughts are correct but evidence just sprout out so often to affirm my stand. i forgot to mention those who always agree with me and say they face the same problems. we wud discuss so enthusiastically, about our wretched parents, but something keeps me thinking that im worse. then again, i doubt myself.

just watched another tv news on the olympics torch relay thing, about chinese protesting and shouting their loyalty and support for china. and then my dad also watched tonnes of anti-CNN videos these 2 days. this brings me back to thinking about what is really true. we, mere civilians, i think, have totally no access to pure truth. anything reported by the government, the media or wateva source are always twisted to a certain extent. just like…who knows if Mas Selamat was actually killed accidentally in prison, but the case was covered up with false news of prisoner escape. what right do people have to voice any opinion on political matters when we don’t even know the truth. that’s why wats the point of being concerned with politics. this is especially the case in china. all forms of media seem so “propaganda-like” to me, in the sense that they are always carry the same formality and use the same manner of speech. and then all those that go against the authorities are censored/eliminated, with all related news hushed up as much as possible. America is democratic? but wat can democracy do when the public cannot even get reliable information, such as those related to the Tibetan crisis. but then again, who knows if the Chinese media/government had been distorting the facts or manipulating the evidence as well? so why bother, afterall, everything will end in a matter of time, be it a few centuries or millenniums.

seriously, if i were the first human that ever existed, and that if i cud retain the knowledge i have now, i wud definitely stop the existence of mankind. 长痛不如短痛. if all ended back then, all the pain and misery that exist today within our societies will be gone, of course, together with the happiness. but in the first place, isn’t the former that created the latter? it is relative, so it’s nothing but emptiness. but then AGAIN, the intelligence that homosapien had then did not allow such way of thinking. so it’s all predestined that it will turn out like this, this is the fate of mankind i guess.

/*end of nonsensical rambling. im thinking too much…